July 18, 2011 § 1 Comment
A followup to the original 2008 post. Yes, he buys a lot of stuff.
Got locked in the freezer again last night. Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
he was a great man. unfortunately he was mauled by pandas.
STOP TOUCHING MY COMPUTER SCREEN WITH YOUR FINGERS
If you’d like more butter, you’re GOING TO HAVE TO ASK NICELY
I swallowed my phone. I had just put it on vibrate, too 😦
Gummy worms? Really, people? They’re disgusting.
a panda talking on the phone. huh, now ive seen everything
REEL GOOD LIKE A TURKEY SANDWICH FILLED WITH $20 BILLS
Look out, you may get stung by a walsp!! BZZZZZT
Stolen cement is really worth nothing on the black market 😦
Spraypaint seaweed gold makes for a cheap alternative to expensive tinsel.
Need a ride to the airport? Too bad!
I rode a bike into a lake and got attacked by fish.
MY LUNCH WAS EATEN BY BADGERS LOL
impossible is not a word that I can spell after having wine. wait, I did!!!!
Made me feel so good I put a panda in a headlock!!! RARRRRRRRR
Couldn’t get the poison out of my leg in time…world fading…
Salt water makes a terrible Christmas present. Are you listening, Dad?!?!
You think slamming the door will win this argument? It won’t!!!!!
For three….it’s good!!!!
gingerbread men aren’t really that good after 3 days. kinda hard
I THREW IT ON THE GROUND
People really get upset with smoking in hospitals. Weird.
I got into a fistfight with a panda one time.
one time i got hit in the head with a beach ball full of rice
Hippos have been unfairly classified as “hungry” when they’re naturally chubby.
YOU GAVE ME THE GIFT OF PANTS
My pet schnauzer Captain Biggles said it best: “Arf arf grrrrrrrrrrr arfffrrrr!”
BANANA STEW KITTENS
You need to clean the microwave more often, David.
“Olympics is every 4 years,” said the panda. “Shut up,” said the beaver.
Finally, people will respect me. Especially that jerk Carlos.
I got hit in the face by a Frisbee once, now I wear a helmet.
This year’s Thanksgiving was awkward, especially given my behavior.
I ran 10 miles today. I was chasing after my escaped zebra.
We’ had lemonade, but what about lime-ade? You’re right, it’s probably f
I GOT ATTACKED BY A PANDA ON WEDNESDAY, FINE NOW THANKS!
My cat is so loud. I don’t know what his problem is.
Did I need this? No. Did it arrive quickly? Yes. Are kittens awesome? Yes.
If the government ever bans kittens, I will be an outlaw!!!
man that was a sweet pig roast last weekend but wtf was up with the bbq sauce
PUT A LITTLE EXTRA CUMIN IN YOUR FLOUR TO SPICE UP CHICKEN PICATTA
Great transaction, ver smoo..OMG A BEAR!!!
this was perfect for shaving my llama
ARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGG pirate attack!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Is it normal for a gerbil to sleep longer than 4 hours?
Thanks for the book, but I gave it to my horse and he can’t read 😦
November 17, 2008 § Leave a comment
Me: I’m craving a glass of wine, but it’s Sunday, and it’s already 9:45, and I ate all those Reese’s Pieces, and I don’t want to get a stomach ache.
Him: Have a glass of white … Hasn’t ‘Real Housewives of Atlanta’ taught you anything? It’s like not even drinking!
October 27, 2008 § 4 Comments
My kitten Mr. Woolensworth loves this item. Thanks again!
I wish this item was more circular.
I found $10 in my jeans today.
He went to Jared’s.
really good i used it to ward off zombies
Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner’s baby is named “Violet.”
Your cardboard mailers are better than Jesus.
Q-switching is a means of producing a very short laser pulse.
I lost to Scottie Pippen in “horse” once.
A butterfly lied to me once.
BEWARE THE LIZARD
I could really go for a grilled cheese now.
I learned the English language so I could leave you positive feedback.
36 is one of my favorite numbers, along with 4762252399
Iceland is a highly developed, stable democracy with a modern economy.
Chick peas are a versatile and nutritious food.
Da da dooo dum dee da da doo de de dah dee…
October 4, 2008 § Leave a comment
I have two creative meetings a day, one in the morning and one in the afternoon; there are two “designated drivers” in both of these meetings — these are the people who fire up the good old AOL client and project their desktop onto a big fancy screen for all to see.
As an occasional meeting DD, I can tell you that the first rule is turning on that IM away message. You are bound to get incoming messages, and while they’re most likely to be work-related, why gamble?
In an afternoon meeting this week, the DD, our male night-shift editor neglected to put up his away message. While we were hotly debating Kim Kardashian’s weight (apparently she swears she is 115 pounds), an IM popped up on his screen, and though he closed it out almost instantly, everyone in the room saw that it said:
AnonymousFriend: so you hit that last night?
Needless to say, the meeting got sidetracked for a good five minutes. Once we all got our giggles under control, the editor, very calmly told us, “For the record, the answer is no.”
January 3, 2008 § 3 Comments
Me: I wish Jeeves was here to help me with all these bags.
Her: Where did the name Jeeves come from? Who started that? Is it just the name for — [whispers] a butler?
Me: It was probably — wait. Did you just whisper ‘butler’? Is that some kind of offensive term all of a sudden? If so, I can’t wait to start looking sideways at people and accusing them under my breath of being butlers!
July 27, 2007 § 1 Comment
Just before 2 p.m. the other day, I was in a meeting with a huge group of people, and a random guy walked into the conference room.
Random Guy: Is this the tech meeting?
Coworker #1: Do we look like nerds?
Coworker #2: Um, there are girls in this room.
Coworker #3: Of course, the tech meetings always start at 1:55.
July 23, 2007 § 3 Comments
We redecorated our home office (nee second bedroom) not too long ago. I wish we had thought to take “Before” photos, but we totally forgot. Let me say this much: It was ugly and disorganized; we had a broken down desk facing the wall, with one chair that we had to compete for anytime either of us wanted to pay bills or check email or watch porn.
Anyway, the main thing is that we got a plain white dining table that we set up perpendicular to the wall, and we call it “the partner desk” and we sit facing each other and on Saturday mornings, when we’re not sure what to do with a whole wide open day that’s all ours, I’ll write down suggestions (like “Take me to breakfast!” or “Pool!”) on the back of a junk mail envelope and I’ll say, “This is my final offer” and then we’ll go do the opposite of whatever I wrote down.
This is my side of the desk:
We still really need to do something with that wall, but I’m not sure what. I am too lazy for painting and very much against installing any kind of shelfing. Maybe some Blik wall decals? Also, does anyone have any magic tricks for hiding cords? I HATE CORDS. The day every electronic is wireless will be the happiest day of my life. Even if I’m 100 years dead.
This is his side of the desk:
This is the reorganized Expedit (aka The Home Must-Have for Collectors of Records, Books, and Other Assorted Junk):
This is a closeup of one of the chairs:
We just had the following conversation while each sitting on our own sides of the partner desk:
Me: I just put a post up that you might enjoy!
Him: Let me hit refresh!
I found that amusing, because it means he’s kind of a stalker, and kind of full of shit, both being qualities that I find extremely attractive in men.
What’s also fun is that sometimes, when we’re both sitting at the desk working or paying bills or watching porn, I’ll reach over really quietly and unplug his USB mouse, and then watch as he gets more and more irritated that THE MOUSE JUST UP AND STOPPED WORKING AND IT SEEMS LIKE THAT IS REALLY HAPPENING A LOT LATELY. And eventually I’ll crack up and he’ll figure it out. Again.
Oh, and there’s a cat tent.
What’s an office without a cat tent? The feline partners here require a lot of naps.