Stupid Things I’ve Done Since Getting Pregnant

May 17, 2012 § 2 Comments

I’ve heard countless pregnant friends and their spouses talk about “Pregnancy Brain,” the loopy, distracted state that many moms-to-be find themselves frequently beset by. I assumed it was a bunch of bullshit.

It’s real and I was a fool to ever question it.

No. 1
Took a pregnancy test a day for five straight days because I wasn’t buying it.
Fine, six.

No. 3
“Is it weather outside?”
–When I meant to ask if it was snowing.

No. 7
Wiped my butt with makeup-removing wipes instead of one of those Cottonelle wipes. It wasn’t fun. In retrospect, I should never have put them in the exact same spot just one drawer above each other.

No. 10
Got misty during the trailer for What to Expect When You’re Expecting. Two days later, sobbed uncontrollably during the climax of Tower Heist because they were up REALLY high and I’m really afraid of heights, and THEY WEREN’T BEING CAREFUL ENOUGH. Scott actually had to fast-forward to the ending to get me to stop crying.

No. 13
(Watching pre-Super Tuesday coverage)
Me: I haven’t been following the election at all.
Scott: Do you want me to catch you up?
Me: I guess.
Scott: charliebrownparentsRomneycharliebrownparentsGingrichcharliebrownparentsSantorumcharliebrownparents
Me: (pointing to TV) And what about that Peter Alexander guy? What’s his deal?
Scott: Ummm. He’s an NBC reporter covering the election.

No. 17
Me: Is John Carter some sort of Terminator prequel or something? I don’t get it.
Scott: (long pause) You’re thinking of John Connor.
Me: So … he’s like Linda Hamilton’s cousin?
Scott: (exaggerated sigh) It has nothing to do with the Terminator movies.

No. 19
Shoplifted from Starbucks. It was an accident!! I bought a coffee and a bag of those crack-like glazed almonds to have for a snack later in the day. Later in the day, when I went to pull them out of my purse, I found two bags instead of one. Oops.

No. 21
Repeatedly complained about how cold I was, asked Scott to turn up heat three times. Only then did I realize that I was resting on top of a pile of blankets instead of underneath it.

No. 23
(Watching ESPN and a news report flashes on the screen: “Sudden Death at Augusta”)
Me: Oh no, who died?!?
Scott: (maniacal laughter)

No. 25
(Watching ‘Moneyball.’ Five minutes into the movie, I hit pause.)
Me: Um, I have a question. Is this movie … about baseball?
Scott: (falls on floor from laughing so hard)
Me: I thought it was about gambling?

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