Criminal Mastermind ISO 5-6 Mindless Goons to Do My Evil Bidding

July 29, 2011 § Leave a comment

Exposition: I posted this message on Craigslist in 2006 after watching National Treasure and wondering: Where do bad guys find their mindless goons? I took this most down after about 24 hours because my best friend was convinced that Homeland Security was going to arrest me.

She might have been right. Here it is again, from the archives, with context.

Who I Am:
A archetypal evil henchman of seriously questionable integrity. I have very deep pockets from which I will pay you extremely well as you help me: rob banks, kidnap women and young children (and hold them hostage so that their husbands and fathers help me obtain even more cash), discover treasure, steal nuclear weapons, steal expensive automobiles, bully weaklings, and murder humans and animals with little to no sympathy.

Who You Are:
A non-descript, approximately 30- to 35-year-old white man, of average to above-average height and weight. You must be a card-carrying member of Gold’s Gym or another fitness establishment. Some high school education is desired but not necessary; the ability to speak in monosyllabic grunts is a huge plus, as is an indistinguishable European accent. Proficiency with firearms is a must; just this once, I’d like to find henchmen who can actually shoot people with one bullet, instead of having their shots harmlessly fly past the good guys (I mean, really, is it asking that much?). Most important, you must be obedient to me above all else, and always be willing to be the first to travel any new territory in which the floor may not be stable or danger may lay ahead. Payment for your assistance will come at the completion of each assignment, assuming you live that long (but you probably won’t, and even if you do, I’ll shoot you myself so that I can use your cut of the money to buy a new tiger cub/Glock/silk smoking jacket).

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