J. Crew Desperately Wants You Back.

January 15, 2011 § 2 Comments

Every day this week, J. Crew sent out an email blast touting its end-of-season final sale. Somewhere along the way, it hit me: J. Crew is that chick who, after you dumped her, went batshit, hardcore crazy about getting back together. When J. Crew says Sale! what J. Crew is really saying is, THIS ISN’T OVER! TAKE ME BACK! I’ll show you.

On Monday…
J. Crew promised you an extra 30% off sale items and free shipping.
What J. Crew really meant was, this can’t be over. I can’t let this be over. Let’s just talk this through, baby.

On Wednesday…
J. Crew upped the offer to an extra 40% off sale items with the free shipping. J. Crew also reminded you that this whole offer ends Sunday.
What J. Crew meant was, I promise I won’t get mad anymore when you go out for drinks with your friends, even if those friends are girls, but you can’t keep me hanging on like this — at some point, I have to leave you, for my own sake, to protect myself. No. This isn’t an ultimatum. Of course this isn’t an ultimatum.

On Friday…
J. Crew reminds you, not once but twice, that the offer of an extra 40% off sale items and free shipping still stands, but seriously, this ends Sunday.
What J. Crew meant was, Hey, it’s Friday night and if we’re really breaking up, I kind of need to know, because if we’re broken up, I’m going to go out to the bars and hook up with AS MANY GUYS AS I POSSIBLY CAN, especially your friends if I can find them. They’re in town this weekend, right?

On Saturday…
J. Crew reminds you, in big capital letters, that this sale ENDS TOMORROW. Extra 40% off sale items and all that free shipping, right?
What J. Crew meant is, I guess you didn’t want to hang out with me last night. That’s fine. THAT’S FINE. YOU KNOW WHY? Because I had sex. With a GUY. I don’t remember his name. But I had the most amazing time. I DON’T NEED YOU.

On Sunday…
J. Crew reminds you, in the biggest, reddest capital letters, that THE SALE ENDS TODAY. Extra 40% off! Free shipping! You haven’t bought anything yet! What’s wrong with you!

And this is when you cave. And you buy something.

This is when J. Crew is all I KNEW IT! I knew we were perfect together. I knew you’d come to your senses. We’re perfect together. You look so good in that sweater I got you. Let’s go out and celebrate. You’re cautiously happy. Maybe J. Crew is right. Later that night, J. Crew catches you looking at boots on Madewell, and slashes your tires. Now, it’s officially over. Your friends were right: J. Crew is batshit crazy.
Disclaimer: I truly adore J. Crew.

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