Back, Back, Forth, Forth
December 31, 2010 § 3 Comments
It’s 5:30 p.m., and we’ve got a busy night ahead of us.
Scott is going to bake a red velvet cake, from scratch. With buttercream frosting, from scratch.
I’m hopeless at baking, so I’m going to be the cheerleader.
Once he’s finished, I’m going to cook up fun little entertaining bites for us … baby peppers stuffed with cheese, sesame chicken triangle toasts, and chicken tikka masala bites. (I wanted to make garlicy lemon lamb kebabs, but everyone else had that idea, too. Boo.) Beer is chilling. Champagne is chilling. The box of wine is already cracked open.
Come midnight, we may or may not be awake, but I’ll be exactly where I want to be.
We’ll also be waiting tonight. Waiting like we have been for the past 40 hours. Waiting eagerly, waiting quietly, and waiting painlessly while our best friends work on bringing their son into the world.
We also feel badly that our prediction of a birth time of 11:59 p.m., Hawaii time — the last possible chance to be a 2010 baby in America — is starting to look more and more accurate.
Push, girl. Push.
Alternately, punch the doctor in the face. She seems kind of useless, anyway.
I did a lot of things in 2010. Didn’t we all? But these were things I never really planned on doing, or that I thought I’d ever be able to do.
I spent a night living in Scott’s car with him and the cats the night of an electrical fire. Then we spent six weeks living in a hotel after our building was condemned. That part really wasn’t so bad. (I wrote about that for Shelterpop, and was touched by the kind words and emails of their readers.)
I buried my grandmother. Yeah. That sucked. Sometimes I grip onto the handles of the carts to keep myself from crying in the grocery store, where some days she seems to be around every corner. Other days, I look at the way the veins in my hands coil around bones, and the lines under my eyes, and I know exactly where they came from, from her, to my mom, and when, and I’m just thankful.
I quit my job. I did this two weeks after Gram’s funeral, because I had simply reached my limit. I got spun up, I had nothing lined up, and I left. The ugliness, the drama, the unreal expectations. I spent weeks sloughing off layers of built-up anxiety and self-doubt, and at the end of it, while I may have my regrets, and while there are people I miss like siblings, I’m happier, and more whole, as a result.
I went to Hawaii. I suck at traveling and I hate to fly. But we went. And it is the most beautiful, most amazing place I’ve ever seen — fuck, it’s practically indescribable. I kept sneaking away to let my eyes fill up with tears, because that was the only thing I could think of to do. (I’ll forgive it for the jellyfish sting.)
There were other smaller things, but those are the lowlights, and the highlights. Don’t get me wrong: There were a million other highlights, little moments that I’m keeping just to myself.
As far as plans for 2011: I’m not making any.
It seems pretty obvious, in looking back at 2010, that plans don’t matter. Life happens, and I’m hoping life has some great happenings in store for 2011.
And as far as resolutions go, I’m not going to kid myself: I won’t go to the gym, I won’t watch what I eat for longer than a few days, and I won’t be as frugal as I’d like. What I’d really like is to be more gentle with myself and other people, and more present, aware, and active. That’s going to be my goal. I will make one resolution: Spend more time with Indy.