Nothing Could Bring Me Closer, Nothing Could Bring Me Near*

May 28, 2009 § 1 Comment

Today at work, I limped to the vending machines. I’m allowed to take a few unassisted steps a day and today I decided to spend them on a bag of Sun Chips and a bottled water. I had two crisp dollar bills in my pocket.

I went for the Sun Chips first. Dollar in, B6, and the coils turned and turned and turned and three bags of chips all got stuck there, just waiting, but not a single one of them fell.

I cursed. I slapped the glass. I pushed the machine a little bit, but I knew immediately that that was a ridiculous idea. My strength has always been in my legs, so I knew instantly I was running at half-capacity.

So I put the second dollar in the machine and hit B6 again, thinking that I could go without water if it meant four bags of chips for the price of two, but the machine told me to pick another option. Three times.

I stood there and thought about it for probably 30 seconds, and then pressed A6, which was the Doritos, directly above the Sun Chips. I don’t really like Doritos, but I thought maybe, just maybe, the Doritos would fall and knock down the Sun Chips. My mind, always handicapping, put the odds of it working at 50-1.

In probably a tenth of the time than it took Mine That Bird to win the Derby at those same odds, the Doritos fell and knocked ALL THREE bags of Sun Chips into the vending space. I was thrilled — and I was even more thrilled when I realized that not only had my 50-1 gamble paid off, the machine had also given me four shiny quarters in change. Four bags of chips for the price of one. Enough for that bottled water, too.

I limped back to my desk, and I admit, there was definitely self-satisfied grin plastered all over my face, because LOOK AT ME, I STUCK IT TO THE MAN, four bags of chips cradled in one arm and a bottle of water in the other. En route, one of the guys on the sports team looked at me, smirked, and said, “Hungry, eh?”

*REM, ‘Leave’, currently on repeat in my head for reasons I will explain later. Probably on Twitter.

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