Half-Assed Again Live-ish Blogging The Search for the Next Pussycat Doll: The Series Finale

April 24, 2007 § 3 Comments

(It may not actually be the series finale, but I can’t fathom how or why the producers would do another season.)

(Also, we’re doing this at 10 p.m., not 9 p.m. when the show originally aired, because I wanted to go to to pool first.)

10:00: For a brief moment, I thought it didn’t TiVo. I felt a surge of excitement about going straight to bed. I don’t feel like doing this.

10:03: The three remaining contestants (this may be important later, so pay attention) are Asia The Single Mom (ATSM), Chelsea The Girl Who Can Sing but Can’t Dance (CTGWCSBCD), and Forgettable Melissa (FM). I guarantee that CTGWCSBCD will win the whole thing.

10:07: That was a lot of backstory.

10:08: Founder Lady arrives to give the Pussykittens their final challenge. The shirt she’s wearing scares me, a lot. I can see cleavage, and it’s not pretty. It’s … crinkly like the corners of Santa Claus’ eyes.

10:09: The Pussykittens have to perform Lady Marmelade together and then do solo performances. ATSM cries. FM starts showing some personality, which is apparently comprised of bitching about the other girls behind their backs. I would have liked her much more all season long if she’d showed this side, the side I can identify with.

10:10: CTGWCSBCD and FM make fun of ATSM for saying “axe” instead of “ask.” Which is funny because Scott and I were doing the same thing.

10:12: Founder Lady throws an intimate dinner for the Pussykittens. ATSM doesn’t want to be buddy-buddy with the other girls.

10:13: There’s some grainy in-bedroom footage of the girls fighting. The camerawork is Paris Hilton sex tape quality. Apparently this fighting, with a lot of cussing and screaming, goes on for two hours during the night.

10:15: God bless whoever invented commercials.

10:16: It is blazing hot in our apartment and it’s making me miserable. I want to go to bed. The next 45 minutes will require digging deep. Dig deep, Meredith, dig deep!

10:17: The late night fight is still going on! Mostly it’s FM and ATSM, and CTGWCSBCD is excited because they’re probably straining their voices with all their yelling. And she’s good at singing, remember?! She should be hoping for one of them to break an ankle or something to impair her dancing abilities.

10:18: The fight continues the next day at rehearsal, in front of choreography guy, who tries to interrupt several times by saying “Um.” Bravo, dude! Apparently, he stopped listening … so did I!

10:20: This is unwatchable. It’s like toddlers bitchslapping each other over crayons.

10:21: Founder Lady shows up. She rips up CTGWCSBCD’s copy of the lyrics. You should know those by now, CTGWCSBCD! Then FM sings all flat and lame. Of course she knows that they were up all night fighting — and she threatens to pick none of them. They believe her. Because that would happen — an eight-week reality TV show would just wrap without a winner.

10:23: The Pussykittens move out of the group loft. I don’t know where they’re going. But now there’s a commercial. And I like commercials!

10:24: Wow, Veronica Mars looks like an awful show.

10:28: Scott and I get into a spat because he is writing notes on a piece of paper, and this annoys me. I say something along the lines of, “Oh hey that’s great, maybe we can scan those tomorrow and post them and call it ‘Scott’s Live Note-Taking on The Search for the Next Pussycat Doll’ and post that up!” I am le bitch.

10:30: That was a LONG commercial break.

10:31: Oh, Mark McGrath. I can’t wait to not see you weekly. He introduces the judge … Founder Lady, Geffen Records Sourpuss, Lil Kim. I still have a special place in my heart for Lil Kim.

10:32: The group performance of ‘Lady Marmalade’ is first. I wonder if any of these girls actually knows what ‘voulez vous couchez avec moi’ means.

10:35: Founder Lady loved it; she could start a girl group with the final three. I smell a spinoff! Even Geffen Sourpuss guy liked it … and he recorded it with Lil Kim and Pink and Christina. (Loooooooooook at me, I made a record!)

10:36: FM says “I did crack a little bit” backstage and my ears perk up! Crack? Drugs? Here is the juicy stuff I’ve been waiting for. But then she finishes the sentence with “on the high notes.”

10:38: Mark McGrath has his jacket on inside out. There’s no other excuse for it being so ugly that Scott or I can think of.

10:39: CTGWCSBCD does her individual performance first. Apparently she’s performing some real Pussycat Dolls song, but we’ve never heard of it. If I was her, I would’ve demanded that I get to cover “Buttons.”

10:40: I sing the chorus of “Buttons.” Scott cries, on the outside.

10:41: The judges are all “blah blah blah.” Who cares. She’s gonna win.

10:42: ATSM is up, and she performs “I Don’t Need a Man,” which I believe is the Pussycat Dolls’ next single. I dig this song. There! I said it!

10:43: ATSM was actually pretty good. I can’t deny it. The judges are all “blah blah blah” except Geffen Sourpuss, who had reservations. Well, dude, you’re gonna be late. Ha! Ha! Ha!

10:44: FM goes last. She’s got ‘Stickwitu.’ This feels like karaoke to me. At the exact moment I’m typing that last sentence, Scott says, Simon-Cowell-style, “It felt like a bad karaoke performance!”

10:46: I think the judges might be laughing while FM is performing. There’s a lot of whispering and giggling. Daaang …

10:47: Maybe not. Founder Lady thinks she nailed it. Geffen Sourpuss dug it. Lil Kim liked it.

10:53: Scott realizes that the screendoor to the balcony isn’t closed (he’d opened the glass door after I bitched about it being hot at 10:16) and one of the cats — Indy, the one on the masthead, the one I like the most (yes, I’ll admit it) — is on the balcony. We live on the 8th floor and are terrified of the cats going out there and doing something stupid and falling off. We pause to retrieve said cat. It scares me how quickly things can go wrong when you’re busy doing something else.

10:55: Indy likes to roll around on the ground whenever she gets outside our place, whether it be the hallway or now the balcony. The balcony hasn’t been swept since the winter, and it’s filthy. Indy now smells bad. We’re going to have to give her a bath. It will have to wait, though.

10:56: If we lived on the ground floor, Indy would be a lost cat right now, which makes my heart hurt to even think about. Must. Reign. In. Freakout.

10:57: OK Pussykittens, let’s get this shit over with. We cheat and fastforward through the last commercial break.

10:58: The judges deliberate. Founder Lady foams at the mouth over CTGWCSBCD. She thinks FM is a deer in headlights. ATSM is a good overall performer.

10:59: Dagger! CTGWCSBCD will not be the next Pussycat Doll. It’ll be ATSM, then.

11:00: Yup. ATSM wins it all. The real Pussycat Dolls show up and they all perform together. Awwww … that’s cute. That’s also a lot of Pussycat Dolls. The lesson here is: Don’t worry, you can stay up all night fighting about stupid shit and still persevere. Hey, Scott, let’s talk about accidentally letting the cats outside …

§ 3 Responses to Half-Assed Again Live-ish Blogging The Search for the Next Pussycat Doll: The Series Finale

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