Half-Ass Live Blogging The Search for the Next Pussycat Doll
April 17, 2007 § 1 Comment
So, we have no Internet. This is on top of the dishwasher being broke-broke, and the DVR being nine kinds of screwed up, all because of a lovely power outage last night. (Side note: It gets real cold real fast when you don’t have power.)
9:04: There are four Pussykittens left. Chelsea is getting still getting shit for singing on a swing in the last episode, and not doing any dancing. They have to perform solo songs tonight, and then dance to ‘Beep’ as a group.
9:07: The choreographer guy Scott loves yells at Chelsea for sucking at dancing, and then throws a little tantrum about how frustrating it is to teach people the same things over and over again. I sort of want to destroy him.
9:09: Asia helps out Chelsea with her routine, which was nice. There are two Melissas left in the competition, and I can’t tell which is which. One of them is furious that Asia is helping Chelsea. She’s Mean Melissa henceforth. Mean Melissa thinks it’s a competition! Every Pussykitten for herself! I really miss PWTSFBRI.
9:10: Our cable keeps flickering off and on. Scott’s at hockey and I don’t know how to fix these things.
9:11: The Pussykittens are about to have a whirlwind faux publicity tour. The first thing is a commercial for Secret. Does that convenient, timely little bit of product placement seem very ‘America’s Next Top Model’ to you? It should — ‘Model’ producer Ken Mok also works on this show.
9:13: Forgettable Melissa blows her commercial. Mean Melissa has done an Axe commercial, so she’s pretty confident. And then she blows it. But she’s normally a lot better with “doing things.” Not sure exactly what those things are. Being mean?
9:14: Chelsea is blowing it, too, until the director recommends that she sing the commercial. And then she nails it. This competition is totally fixed for her.
9:15: Asia nails the commercial. Let’s just pretend like the verb “nails” suddenly means “does as well as a third-grader.”
9:17: There’s a photo shoot. The Pussykittens are tired. Founder Lady yells at them.
9:18: Mark McGrath shows up to interview them for Extra. During her interview, Asia tells him that being a young teenager mother isn’t as easy as people think it is. This is actually quite enlightening,, because I was under the impression that being a teenage mother was the easiest thing in the world. I mean, why would it be hard? Teenagers still live with their parents … meaning grandparents = built-in babysitters!
9:19: chelsea is a little surprised she’s made it this far. She didn’t get the memo about the fix.
9:20: Forgettable Melissa says something.
9:21: Mark McGrath asks Mean Melissa who she thinks should go home this week. Of course she says Chelsea (every time I type Chelsea, I type it Chelsae; I hate that name). Mean Melissa goes on to say that Chelsea sucks at dancing.
9:22: Chelsea cracks her knuckles. Which I assume means she’s pissed.
9:24: I like commercials. Because I’m in our living room, at our coffee table, I keep drinking with my left hand. I find that when I do things repetitively with my left hand that I normally do with my right hand, I start to feel itchy and numb in both hands. Like my body is revolting against my revolution by taking both away until I start behaving myself.
9:27: This is an insanely long commercial break. The cats have recently become obsessed with opening cabinets. Somehow, they just now are figuring out how to do this. Every once in awhile, I hear a cabinet slap shut, and a cat meow maniacally. Assholes.
9:28: Yup, lots of dead space in this show.
9:29: Mean Melissa hugs Chelsea. And acts like saying she sucks at life (and dancing) was no big deal. Which it wasn’t, but good for Chelsea for standing up for herself.
9:31: It’s time to practice. Mean Melissa keeps talking about how she’s a better dancer than Chelsea, but Chelsea’s better vocally. She. Won’t. Stop. The choregrapher keeps calling out Chelsea every time she fucks up, and Mean Melissa just smiles in total satifaction.
9:33: I just realized that I’m totally rooting for Chelsea.
9:35: More commercials! I don’t understand why the Internet isn’t working. My computer says the wireless is working. But nothing is loading. Scott will be home soon, and he’ll press three buttons, and it will work.
9:36: The ‘In the Land of Women’ trailer airs again. This movie looks horrible … but have you heard the song ‘New Girl’ by The Long Winters yet? I don’t mean to be reptitive, but seriously, if you’re my friend, you’ll go and shell out 99 cents and to buy it on iTunes right now.
9:37: It’s judging time. Let me guess … it’s gonna be Founder Lady, Geffen Records Sourpuss Guy, and Lil Kim.
9:38: Yes! I win the prize!
9:39: The group routine to ‘Beep’ comes first. Founder Lady tells Chelsea that her moves aren’t as sharp as the others, but she’s trying, she’s doing her best … see? There’s a fix. It’s in. They need a vocalist. Chelsea’s it.
9:40: Mean Melissa performs her solo song. I don’t know, dawg. For me, it was a little pitchy.
9:41: Founder Lady tells Mean Melissa she was pitchy. Ha! Ha! I was just making that up!
9:42: Asia’s up. She worked it out.
9:43: Lil Kim channels Paula Abdul and commends Asia for making it her own. Geffen Records Sourpuss Guy likes it!
9:44: Forgettable Melissa is up. I have no idea what song she’s singing. Some Mary J. Blige crap, apparently. I hate Mary J. Blige a lot.
9:45: Oh no! She looks like she’s about to cry! Is this the girl who thinks about her grandma? It must be. The judges gloss over it. Maybe I imagined it. I would go back and rewind if I could but have I mentioned the electronics and the not really working the way they are supposed to?
9:46: Chelsea time. She’s doing a Christina Aguilera song, ‘What a Girl Wants.’ I just want to point out that people who know things repeatedly say that Christina Aguilera songs are very difficult to perform.
9:47: Uh oh. I don’t know much about singing whatsoever, but this sounds awful. Maybe the fix isn’t in.
9:48: Geffen Records Sourpuss Guy poops on it, as does Lil Kim, but Founder Lady liked it. She keeps going on about how much potential Chelsea has. I can almost see the dollar signs in her eyes.
9:49: Yay, commercials!
9:50: My elimination prediction: Forgettable Melissa’s going home. I mean, there’ a reason she’s so forgettable.
9:55: This show has the most commercials ever.
9:56: Oh, crap. Forgettable Melissa advances to the next round. Asia is next. Meaning Mean Melissa and Chelsea are the bottom two. I’m such a fool for not seeing this coming all along. DAMN YOU, KEN MOK!
9:57: Founder Lady tells Mean Melissa she doesn’t see anything unique in her. Then she tells Chelsea she sucks at dancing. But you can get better at dancing, right? You can’t get more unique … right?
9:58: Right! GOD, I’M SO SMART. Mean Melissa goes home. If Scott was here right now, he’d be so excited. He loves a good comeuppance more than anything in the world, and this was a good ‘un.
9:59: Next week’s the finale, kids.
10:00: The Internet magically starts working, and Scott comes home from hockey. I pretend like I fixed everything all by myself.