Live-Ish Blogging: The Search for the Next Pussycat Doll (Yes, This Is What I’m Doing With My Saturday Night)
April 14, 2007 § Leave a comment
OK so we aren’t actually live blogging this, but has anyone actually seen the latest episode (or any episode) of this show? Didn’t think so. Scott’s here tonight, and will not be allowed to leave to meet his friends until he submits his final Like count.
Here we go.
9:00: There’s some crying about last week’s elimination. Who cares. Pussykitten Who Thinks She’s Fat But Isn’t (PWTSFBI) is going to start eating well. Which she says with her mouth full of food.
9:01: PWTSFBI and Chelsea get into a spat and I don’t even know why.
9:02: The real Pussycat Dolls send a video message. Um. Wait. Someone just knocked on our door! What the hell? It’s our neighbor, who received two copies of the latest issue of ‘Lucky’ — mine and hers. I actually say, “Yay, now I have something to do tonight!” What? WHAT? Did I actually say that? Shit. I am much bigger loser than previously mentioned. Back to the show.
9:03: Pussycat Doll Melody arrives to talk to them about style. I turn to Scott and say, “Hey! You haven’t been keeping a Like count!” He says, “Um. Yes I have. We’re at eight. Nine!” After three minutes.
9:04: The next challenge is revealed: The Pussykittens will compete to be backup dance rs with the Pussycats at a live performance. Scott says, “Wow.” Only four of them could make it. (There are five of them.) They have one hour to learn the choreography.
9:05: The choreographer teaches them the routine. This guy is a jackass and Scott can’t stop pointing that out. He yells at a girl for not wearing her boob pads. I’ve never heard of boob pads. I want a pair.
9:06: One of the Pussykittens is wearing my Louis Vuitton ripoffs! Bitch!
9:07: The choreographer calls PWTSFBI a big girl. Ouch. And that she makes a smelly face when she dances.
9:08: The Like count is at 16. We’re both sitting on the floor, and Scott asks why the couch slides back so much when he leans against it, but not when I do. I tell him it’s because he’s a big girl who also makes a smelly face when he dances.
9:09: It’s competition time. The venue is … the outside of the bus. PWTSFBI screws up pretty bad (at least to our untrained eye). Pussycat Founder Lady looks pissed. PWTSFBI and Chelsea are left. Pussycat Founder Lady says, “Here’s what I’m going to do.” And they go to commercial. Scott and I pray for a dance off!
9:11: Pussycat Founder Lady chooses … neither! Boooo! We wanted a dance off. PWTSFBI and Chelsea got into the bus to sulk.
9:12: The Three Winning Trampettes get ready. There’s nerves. There’s hair. Makeup. Outfits. Rehearsals. All of this while the losers watch. Chelsea talks a lot. PWTSFBI gets annoyed.
9:13: It’s go time. The Pussycat Dolls perform “Wait a Minute,” which is supposedly a No. 1 single. One of the Trampettes accidentally walks onstage too early. The music drops, the Founder Lady looks shocked. Scott has to rewind it three times and take a three-minute break to stop laughing. Other than that, this seems to go well.
9:16: After the performance, one of the Trampettes says, “I just hope my parents are proud of me.” The cats flee the living room because my booming laughter scares them. They’re only going to be proud of you if you wear your boob pads, sweetie. Are you wearing your boob pads?
9:17: Back on the bus, there’s tension because the Trampettes got gift bags with expensive watches. One of the Trampettes tells Chelsea that she’s a bad dancer. Oopsy! The Like count skyrockets to 32.
9:19: Back at the Pussykitten Hotel, one of the Trampettes has some kind of bizarre tearfest about “things moving too fast.” Huh? Meanwhile, PWTSFBI hops on the treadmill. Commercial time!
9:21: Scott fastforwarded the commercials. He doesn’t understand how I need the time to rest. After the break, Trampette Melissa R. earns immunity from the next round of eliminations (although it turns out that she was the Trampette who tried to go out on stage too early); Founder Lady specifically calls out that PWTSFBI is not immune. The lesson here: Mistakes don’t matter, people; your weight does.
9:24: The Pussykittens get their next song assignments, which is a true early burlesque. Founder Lady asks Chelsea if she thinks she can sing this one on a swing. This sounds like a disaster, and we can’t wait.
9:25: Trampette points out that the swing means that Chelsea doesn’t have to worry about the choreography. If there’s one thing to take away from this episode, it’s that Chelsea can’t dance. Welcome to my world, dollface.
9:26: The Like count is at 42. It’s competition day. Which means … Mark McGrath. As I’ve made clear previously, I cannot stand Mark McGrath. He is lower than spit in a towel. There, I said it.
9:28: The judges are introduced. Scott makes a parole officer joke about Lil Kim. Say what you will, I think she’s adorable.
9:29: This old-school routine is leaving me speechless. I didn’t realize old-school burlesque would actually be dirtier than what the Pussycat Dolls are doing today. The funny thing is, Chelsea just sits in a swing while the other girls are gyrating. Her voice is amazing, she does zero dancing. We’re disappointed; this is not the disaster we were expecting.
9:30: Trampette Melissa has to sing while sitting in a bathtub … and she can’t find the mic. Lucky she has immunity!
9:33: The judges seem to love it. And all they talk about is how hard their job will be to kick someone off. And then they go to commercial.
9:36: Even though Chelsea can’t dance, Founder Lady loves her. Hmm. Current Pussycat lead singer Nicole Shersingwhatever has a solo CD coming out. Is it me, or are her motives a little transparent? It’s not like there’s another really strong singer besides Nicole Shersingwhatever.
9:37: I think the writing’s on the wall for PWTSFBI. Scott says PWTSFBI kind of looks like Chewbacca. This is disturbingly awkward. PWTSFBI and Trampette are the bottom two.
9:38: PWTSFBI is sent home. I have no idea what I’m going to blog about next week. And by next week, I mean “in two days.”
Final Like count: 52. That’s almost one like per minute. (The minute count is all screwy because Scott fastforwarded all the commercials. And my fingers, they be burning.) Adios.