Live Blogging: The Search for the Next Pussycat Doll (It’s OK, I Can’t Believe I’m Doing It Again, Either)

April 3, 2007 § 2 Comments

8:58 p.m.: Pringles: Check. Slice of cheese: Check. Glass of wine: Check. Tivo ready: Check. I’m good to go. Unfortunately Scott has “hockey” again (I think he might be making it up), so no official “like” count again for tonight’s episode.

9:00: Here we go!

9:01: Melissa S. is getting kicked off tonight. I’m calling it during the opening credits.

9:02: God, these girls are dumb. Go do some cardio!

9:03: The real Dolls show up to tell the Pussykittens that sexy equals confidence. One Pussykitten, heretofore known as Pussykitten Who Thinks She’s Fat but Isn’t, thinks she’s fat. I’m confused. Why wouldn’t we all be confident if we had personal trainers, stylists, and makeup artists? That isn’t the key to happiness?

9:04: The Pussykittens have to go to Vegas in one hour and perform ‘Tainted Love’ in the Pussycat Lounge. There’s some packing. And a bus. The bus has pink heart pillows. And then there’s some attempt at learning choreography on the bus. Chelsea didn’t get the memo about practicing on the bus. Of course, maybe she did. But she couldn’t read it.

9:06: They get FIVE MINUTES to eat. Can you say indigestion?

9:07: Phew, the bus is stacked with Rolaids.

9:08: The bus rolls into Vegas. Oh, Vegas. You dirty minx. I miss you.

9:09: Yay! A commercial. I can ogle Mini-Coopers.

9:12: Dang. The Diet Dr. Pepper ad — the one with the desserts — is torture to watch. Don’t show it to the Pussykittens! They’re hungry! They once ate a whole creme brulee!

9:13: It’s performance time already! The audience gets to vote. Pussykitten Who Thinks She’s Fat But Isn’t lets the audience know she’s feeling fat. Which is a big no-no. She’s cute, and I like her.

9:15: The Pussykittens get to stay in a presidential suite at Caesars. But then Founder Lady arrives to share the results. Melissa S. wins immunity, so she’s not going home this week. I told you so!

9:17: Pussykitten Who Thinks She’s Fat But Isn’t apparently eats when she’s feeling stressed. Cheers, Pussykitten! This Pringle’s for you!

9:18: The Pussykittens will now have to do duets. Pussykitten Who Thinks She’s Fat But Isn’t is annoyed because she gets paired with Melissa S., who has immunity — so if they suck, Pussykitten Who Thinks She’s Fat But Isn’t goes home. Uh oh … this show wouldn’t actually send home a regular-size girl, would it? It wouldn’t dare reinforce such sexist stereotypes! Would it?!?

9:21: The trailer for Adam Brody’s new movie, ‘In the Land of Women,’ uses one of my most favorite songs ever, ‘New Girl’ by the Long Winters. I suddenly don’t care about Pussykitten Who Thinks She’s Fat But Isn’t going home. I could link to the video but I DO THAT ALL DAY LONG and you can go find it yourself. I’m not on the clock.

9:24: The Pussykittens leave Vegas. Once home, they decide a girlfight is a good idea. I’m not kidding. I wish I was. They wrestle. Do the producers slip them Adderall if they do it? They must.

9:25: Son of a bitch. The Pringles are gone.

9:26: Whiny Girl Named Asia complains. But it’s OK: She’s PMSing. This is just what girls do! We’re batshit crazy!

9:27: Founder Lady brings in a vocal coach and it’s boring. Be glad I’m watching this for you. There are 33 minutes left.

9:32: There’s a commercial on now. Seriously. That whole block of the show was useless.

9:35: It’s go time. Which is good because it means the show is almost over and bad because it means Mark McGrath shows up. (Confidential to Mark McGrath: You suck more than Duke.)

9:36: Whiny Girl Named Asia and The Other Melissa perform ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing.’ (There’s another pop culture moment that used this song really recently, and for some reason I can’t remember it. Tip of my tongue. A little help?) I guess they’re good? But the point of this, I believe, is to be in a girl group, and they’re maybe on the stage together for 30 seconds.

9:37: Oh wait! The Other Melissa breaks down IN TEARS ON STAGE! What? Why? Oh, right. Of course! She was “thinking of her grandma!” Give her a break, Founder Lady; whenever I put on a leopard-print teddy and some black leather knee-high boots, I totally think of my grandma, too! Not to mention fishnets. I can’t even look at fishnets without thinking of my grandma. God. Gram really loved her fishnets.

9:40: Two other girls, Chelsea and Mariela, performed some song I don’t know, and I fell asleep. Oh, but the judges hate it! Yay!

9:45: Melissa S. and Pussykitten Who Thinks She’s Fat But Isn’t take the stage to perform Toni Braxton’s ‘Unbreak My Heart.’ Pussykitten Who Thinks She’s Fat But Isn’t is wearing Christian Louboutins. Poor freakin’ baby.

9:47: Oooh, I wonder who’s getting kicked off ‘Dancing With the Stars!’ Hold. The ‘Stars’ can’t hear when the judges announce who’s safe. Um, ABC, maybe we fix this.

9:54: The judges deliberate. They like Mariela, and Chelsea, and Pussykitten Who Thinks She’s Fat But Isn’t. Melissa S. is going home soon.

9:55: Back to the Pussykittens … Founder Lady sends home … not Pussykitten Who Thinks She’s Fat But Isn’t! I told you this show wasn’t so shallow! So who goes home? Mariela. Who cares? (Side note: Over to ‘Dancing’ … i.e., what people do care about … Leeza or Shandi! America is stupid. First, you send home the hot model [Paulina Poriznikpaoivapua] and then the former Miss USA? Not the 50-year-old with 19 plastic surgeries under her belt of excess skin?! Do you know how much coke Miss USAs can do? More than a Pussykitten can …

§ 2 Responses to Live Blogging: The Search for the Next Pussycat Doll (It’s OK, I Can’t Believe I’m Doing It Again, Either)

  • Ben says:

    This is entirely entertaining. By the end of your post, I was totally rooting for Pussykitten Who Thinks She’s Fat But Isn’t.

  • Scott says:

    This is awesome.

    PS – The recent use of “I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing” was in “Blades of Glory.”

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