Meredith Got a Big Ol’ Butt, Oh Yeah!

March 5, 2007 § Leave a comment

I ordered three new swimsuits online from The Gap recently, thinking that of the three, I’d at least like one of them. They had a lot of options in the hipster/boyshorts category, which I prefer, given that we spend a lot of time at the lake in the summer, meaning that we’re boating, tubing, jumping off docks, pelting each other with Nerfs, etc.

So the suits arrived at my office today (this, in and of itself, was a misstep; I’d meant to have them shipped directly home) and I couldn’t wait to take them out and peek.

They were all cute, but the bottoms looked utterly huge in their little plastic shipping bags.

I showed them to everyone who sits near me at work.

And said things like, “Oh my gosh, can you believe how huge these look? These will be gigantic on me! Right?”

Bless their little hearts, everyone agreed. (Seriously, BLESS YOU ALL.)

Now, anyone who took sophomore English or studied Greek tragedies in college can pretty much see where this is going, right?

I brought the suits home, tried them on, and two out of the three bottoms, guess what?

They.
Fit.
Me.
Perfectly.

Oh, and the third one one was too small. Ha! If you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go kill my dad* and sleep with my mom now.** Peace out! Hey, what’s up, hubris? Long time no see!

(When I explained all of this to Scott, he tried to point out that the suits were shipped completely flat — but that in reality, bodies are curved so it was a skewed perspective, which was meant to make me feel better, but the whole time he was talking all I heard was, “Your bottom is round! Your bottom is round like the earth!” and it didn’t help at all.)

There is a bright side to all this, though: I really love, and am keeping, two of the suits. And I’m going to light the one that’s too small on fire and then throw it off the balcony.

*Dad: I’m not actually going to kill you! I’m referring to Oedipus!
**Mom: I’m still referring to Oedipus! I’m not going to sleep with you! (But I bet we could make a killing selling a videotape of it, if we ever did. I’m just saying.)

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