Me: I’m craving a glass of wine, but it’s Sunday, and it’s already 9:45, and I ate all those Reese’s Pieces, and I don’t want to get a stomach ache.
Him: Have a glass of white … Hasn’t ‘Real Housewives of Atlanta’ taught you anything? It’s like not even drinking!
Entries Tagged as ‘People I Know Say Funny Things’
November 17, 2008
When I Say No, You Say Yes!
October 27, 2008
Actual Feedback My Husband Has Left for Sellers on eBay
My kitten Mr. Woolensworth loves this item. Thanks again!
I wish this item was more circular.
I found $10 in my jeans today.
He went to Jared’s.
really good i used it to ward off zombies
PUPPY CHOW
Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner’s baby is named “Violet.”
Your cardboard mailers are better than Jesus.
Q-switching is a means of producing a very short laser [...]
October 4, 2008
I Have No Doubt I Will Tell My Grandchildren This Story
I have two creative meetings a day, one in the morning and one in the afternoon; there are two “designated drivers” in both of these meetings — these are the people who fire up the good old AOL client and project their desktop onto a big fancy screen for all to see.
As an occasional meeting [...]
January 3, 2008
Needless to Say, I Have Since Called Four People ‘Butlers’
Me: I wish Jeeves was here to help me with all these bags.
Her: Where did the name Jeeves come from? Who started that? Is it just the name for — [whispers] a butler?
Me: It was probably — wait. Did you just whisper ‘butler’? Is that some kind of offensive term all of a sudden? If [...]
July 27, 2007
Why I Kinda Love My Coworkers
Just before 2 p.m. the other day, I was in a meeting with a huge group of people, and a random guy walked into the conference room.
Random Guy: Is this the tech meeting?
Coworker #1: Do we look like nerds?
Coworker #2: Um, there are girls in this room.
Coworker #3: Of course, the tech meetings always start [...]
July 23, 2007
Our Office, Redesigned
We redecorated our home office (nee second bedroom) not too long ago. I wish we had thought to take “Before” photos, but we totally forgot. Let me say this much: It was ugly and disorganized; we had a broken down desk facing the wall, with one chair that we had to compete for anytime either [...]
July 17, 2007
Robbing the Cradle Because Incest Is Apparently Best
My coworker’s four-year-old daughter is kind of a staple around the office. She’s adorable, and she screams a lot (in a fun discovering-her-big-new-voice kind of way, not an I’m-an-annoying-child way), and the one time that she came to happy hour with us, she demanded that she be allowed to sit next to me [...]
July 9, 2007
Whilst Reading US Weekly
Me: Look! Brad Pitt and I have the same phone!
Scott: Brad Pitt has a pink Juicy Couture Sidekick?!
And that reminds me — I have actually retired my Sidekick and my corresponding 703 number, so if you’re the type of reader who is also a texter or a caller, e-mail me if you haven’t gotten [...]
April 3, 2007
The Joys of Adulthood
Me: I’m thinking about getting a Mini-Cooper as a 30th birthday present to myself, and I wanted to get your input on one quick financial thing.
Dad: Mini-Coopers have terrible safety ratings.
Me: Actually, I think the newer models -
Dad: No. They’re no good. You’re not getting one. I’m the Dad, and I’ve spoken. It’s final.
Me: …
February 25, 2007
While Preparing to Go Out on a Saturday Night
Me: I think I need your help putting on this bra.
Scott: Um. OK. What do I do?
Me: Smoosh ‘em together so I can fasten the clip?
Scott: (smooshing) OK. You know, if I could get more assignments like this, in the future, that’d be really great.
